Woods and Woes is the runner-up of the Queer Adventurers 2022 essay contest. We are so excited to feature this piece by Lilla Fortin!
I grew up in a small town in New Hampshire situated near the Presidential Range of mountains. Winter lasts about half the year and in those cold months, the entire Northeast is cloaked in gray clouds contrasted by the white snow underneath winter boots, but when the snow all melts, an explosion of green trees and grass and many-colored wildflowers bloom in the most unlikely of places and replace the dark colors.
In spring and autumn people travel from states away to see the breathtaking foliage. Tourists go on a nature hike or take a dip in one of the many swimming holes or streams, if itโs temperate enough. It is almost absurd how many local businesses in the area cater to hikers because of the influx of tourists we get coupled with the residents who enjoyed the outdoors, but their focus isnโt entirely unwarranted. According to World Population Review in their โBest States for Hikingโ list, New Hampshireโs trails come in 13th place. The trail to the Mt. Washington summit via Tuckermanโs Ravine is ranked 24th in the country and top five in the eastern US by The Broke Backpacker.
All of this to say: I was surrounded by nature growing up. I couldnโt avoid it if I wanted to. Though the idea of unadulterated woods stretching for miles could be daunting, especially when I was younger, I did not want to avoid it.
My state was beautiful. Its politics and social scene were far less so. A population of year-round residents pushing 3,000 people meant that everyone knew everyone, for better and for worse. My family lived there for generations. My grandparents on my motherโs side had at least thirteen siblings each. Since my mother has over sixty first cousins, it feels as if everyone I pass on the street could be related to me. Unfortunately, a lot of people were stuck in the past and progressive thinking wasnโt very encouraged in our isolated little slice of northern Americana. A classmate had two mothers and to a lot of the older crowd, this was insane and ruining traditional marriage while most of us kids just thought it was awesome because moms are cool! Who wouldnโt want two of them?
At around 15 years old, I realized I was queer and subsequently came out to my parents. I knew my mother loved me unconditionally as she said so many times over, but I still believed my queerness was an exception considering her close relationship with God. I had no personal gripe with God, but I will never forget one Sunday School lesson where my cousin led a little sermon on how the LGBTQIA+ community was unholy and destined for Hell, which left an unfortunately strong impression on my psyche. But my loving mother and father accepted me regardless of their religious beliefs and never once believed Iโd be going to Hell. So too did my twin brother who didnโt believe me at first, but then when I came out as a lesbian a year later, replied with a disimpassioned, โObviously.โ
I was very fortunate to live in a safe household when I know not a lot of other queer people can say that was the case. It just so happened that anything outside my four walls was open season. I was harassed in high school to the point of needing to transfer schools. The bullying didnโt end until partway through my first year of University. Most of it was over my queerness. When I first openly came out, many family members who had up until now loved me greatly decided I was as inconsequential as a wad of gum stuck on the bottom of their shoe.
Despite Matthew 7 of the Bible admonishing people for judging others lest they too be judged harshly, I was subject to a lot of judgment and vitriol. To cope, I sought solace online, in books, on TV and movies, and with my other queer friends. But those werenโt places. Trapped in my little town, I wondered: what was a place I could truly go and feel safe?
It took a while to understand why I felt so at peace surrounded by the lush green trees in a heavily wooded forest. Now I know it was because I knew this place wouldnโt discriminate. Gaia or Mother Nature or whatever else you wanted to call this was a natural force in the world that held no judgment for those destined to wander. We were all born from it and would return to it when we shuffled off the mortal coil. My religious beliefs are a complicated mess considering being fed the whole โgoing to Hell for being queerโ rhetoric since I was a preteen, but no matter where I thought my soul would go when I died, I knew my body would be returned to the loving embrace of nature.
It could be very scary to go into the woods alone and hikers could get lost easily if not careful. But the place I felt safest was in the woods. I had woods that stretched out for miles in my backyard. I could sit there within view of my house for hours and feel at peace. I could also take one of the many acclaimed hiking trails to see a view from up high that was always worth the muscle pain Iโd have for the next few days.
This โmysticalโ force has been around for longer than the entire human race, and was better understanding than most of the people I encountered. Even through wind and snow, rain and hail, the woods were my shelter. They provided solace from a world that feared what it didnโt understand and decided to hate instead of embrace. And it is one I wouldnโt trade for anything.
author bio: Lilla Fortin is a 20-year-old queer writer with a passionate love for all things literature and is currently in college for a BA in English. When not working or learning, she’s writing. She has published work anonymously, but is taking a leap into putting out work with her name attached.
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